The Profound Pontifications of Brother John Deacon
By James C. “Chris” Williams IV, Staff Writer
I got the call about 11:30 last Thursday morning and he interrupted me as soon as he heard my voice. “I already know where you are taking me to eat,” he said in a gruff voice. “And how are you doing today my Brother John,” I asked in a cheery tone. “Please enlighten me as to where we are going so, I can call my banker and get a loan to pay for it.” “You do realize that’s not funny,” he growled. “But no matter. You need to meet me at “Olive Garden” because I saw a TV commercial the other day about all you can eat soup and salad and bread sticks.” Uh oh, big red flag. “John, I don’t know if that is a really good idea. You remember we almost got thrown out of the last place that had all you can eat. I don’t want to go through that again.” “Don’t you worry yourself about it Brother Chris,” he said happily. “I plan on ordering a bunch of other stuff, so they won’t get upset.” Wow, I thought, shaking my head in disbelief, I have never known anyone who could solve a problem and create a whole new one at exactly the same instant like John could. I wondered if it was his duty in life to run me into bankruptcy. I decided to just go with it, hoping we could have lunch without him making a scene. I wanted to be able to eat there again since it was kinda close to my house. But … alas… it was not to be.
I told him to go ahead and get there and put our name on
the list cause it is almost always a thirty minute wait at least and I only
have an hour for lunch and even though Leonard is pretty much ok if it goes
every once in a while to an hour and a half we still wouldn’t have enough time.
I waited for about twenty minutes after he left before I
started heading down there, and found him, hands on hips, with a big scowl on
his face, standing with a whole bunch of other people waiting for a table. I eased between a couple of ladies who seemed
to be as unhappy as John was about waiting and asked him, “How much longer is
the wait?” He actually had his lower lip stuck out like a pouting ten-year old
kid and said, “Brother Chris, nobody knows nothing. They gave me this little contraption (and he showed
me a six-inch square piece of plastic) and said it would start a flashing and a
viberating (yes he said vib-er-rating) when we could eat. I ain’t never seen anything like this. I am
hungry big time.” “Well,” I said. “They
ought to know how much longer we will be. I don’t have all day.” “Well, I’ll see if I
can find out,” he said, and I followed him to the hostess station where there
were two attractive and pleasant young ladies who were being badgered one by
one by the whole room. He asked one of them how much longer we were going to be,
and she told him it shouldn’t be much longer and that is when I did it.
Had I known what a big drama it was going to be
beforehand I would have kept my mouth shut but I opened my mouth, and I asked
the hostess, “How do we know that this thing works?” She kind of cocked her
head and gave me a serious look and without saying anything punched a code onto
her panel which set off John’s vi-ber-rator which set off a chain reaction
neither I nor anyone else could have predicted. As soon as that flasher
thing went off in John’s hand, he let out a roar and yelled “HERE WE GO,” and
before anyone could stop him started for the dining room. The hostess yelled, “Sir…. Siiirrrr.
You can’t… “but he was already gone.
She looked back at me with a glare that I could actually feel the heat from
and took off after John with me right on her heels.
Lynn must have wondered why we decided to have lunch
together when we obviously had a problem with each other. True to form he ordered all you can eat soup,
salad, and breadsticks. Then he ordered the Steak Gorgonzola Alfredo
which is a meal and a half for most people and as usual I had to call the
waitress back because she thought he was ordering for me too.
Out of the corner of my eye I noticed an older couple
glaring at us from a couple of tables away and two ladies sitting to our left
who were doing the same. I wondered why
they were mad at us until I realized that we had probably been behind them in
line for a table when John pulled his stunt. He noticed it too because he was trying hard
to keep from looking at them. I said,
“John, you know why they are mad at us don’t you?” He just stared at me
so I continued, “When your “thingy” went off we got seated before them and they
should have been in front of us.” “I never thought about that,” he said
apologetically. “I don’t want them mad
at me.” “It’s too late for that my Brother,” I answered. “You are the bad guy right now.” “Don’t
worry, I will fix it,” he said. I didn’t
know how he was going to do it, but he needed to do something.
Our food finally came, and he kept finishing his soup and
asking for more. I can’t even remember
how many times she refilled the salad bowl or how many bowls of soup he
consumed, but I stopped counting at six. In between bowls of soup and salad he managed
to consume the Steak Gorgonzola and kept eyeballing my plate the whole time. I felt like I needed to curl my arm around my
plate to keep him from taking it. It
sure is hard to eat like that. I feel
sorry for Mrs. Deacon.
At one point he was carrying on a low conversation with
Lynn, no doubt ordering another of the four varieties of soup who did a lot of
nodding before she took off for the kitchen. I figured I was going to have to leave her a
really good tip for the extra mileage she was putting in for John. Finally, he seemed to be getting to a stopping
point, so I figured it was as good a time as any to see if he had any words of
wisdom.
He got a real serious look on his face and said, “Brother
Chris, there are profound lessons in most everything you see every day. I was at the Barber Shop the other day and an
older man came in asked how much for a shampoo and a set. The barber gave him a price and sat him down
in the chair. When he took off his hat
the Barber said, “But sir, you only have three hairs on your head.” The old man
said, “I know. Just comb one to the
right and one to the left and one straight back.” So, the Barber started shampooing his hair and
after a few seconds he said, “Oops! One
of your hairs just broke off and you only have two left.” The old man
said, “It’s OK, when you are done just put one to the right and one to the
left.” (I have to tell you that I was really starting to wonder what the
“profound lesson” was here.) John saw
the look on my face and shot me a narrow-eyed look and went on, “So the Barber
resumed his shampooing and a few seconds later he said “Oops. Sir, another one of your hairs just broke off
and you only have one left. What do you
want me to do?” The old man thought for a few seconds and finally said, “Oh
Heck with it, just finish the shampoo and leave it messed up. Then, while I sat there with my mouth hanging
open in confusion, he broke into a way too loud and way too long fit of
laughter that sounded like a screeching hyena. After realizing that people were staring at us
he quieted down and as he was wiping the tears out of his eyes I asked him what
the heck was the lesson there and he replied that “There wasn’t one that he
knew of, but he liked the story so much he wanted to tell it.” I told him to cut the comedy act and tell me
something worth printing in the newsletter cause there was no way I was going
to put that story in there. (I guess
that wasn’t exactly true)
He looked around like he was worried that someone might
hear him and said, “Brother Chris I had a dream the other night. I don’t ever have dreams, at least if I do, I
don’t ever remember them. But the other
night I dreamt something that seemed so real ….
heck it just might have been real for all I know. You know that I have been aggravated for a
long time about some of the things that are going on in Masonry. You know, things like the loss of members and
our lackadaisical attitude towards preserving the purity and accuracy of the
work, and the general lack of pride in our fraternity. I have been thinking about all of it for a
while and I guess that is why maybe I had the dream. I don’t think I can ever forget it.
Anyway, it started out that I was at a Lodge, and I
realized that I was in the anteroom being prepared to be initiated as an
Entered Apprentice Mason. I remember
feeling odd about it since I was already a Master Mason but for some reason I
either didn’t or I couldn’t speak. It
was almost like I was watching all that was going on from a few feet
away. No one spoke and soon I was at the door knocking for admission and
then I was admitted …. in total
darkness. I strained to hear and
understand every sound …. every word
spoken. I knelt and I declared my
fidelity to God and was then led for what seemed to be the longest time through
several passageways and doors with great commotion, with my companion …. my friend having to vouch for my character
and ask that I be allowed to proceed. It
struck me that I didn’t even know him and yet he was pledging his honor that I
was worthy of admission. After every obstacle was cleared, I could feel
his firm grip on my arm reassuring me that all was well. All of a sudden, we turned a corner, and I was
given a last opportunity to back out but with nervous anticipation and a firm
resolve I asked to go on. I then knelt
at the altar of Freemasonry and took an oath to God to be the man he wishes me
to be.
Then with my heart pounding with excitement from the
profound lessons I had just learned I was led to another place and then another
where more lessons were received and then I was back in the ante room where I
was astonished to find myself being prepared for another degree. Brother Chris, while all this was going on it
occurred to me that I was still in darkness and I was a little confused and I
asked why, but no answer was given. Words
floated in and out of my memory…. “That
my mind might conceive before my eyes beheld” … and I stopped worrying.
Soon, still in darkness I found myself traveling again…. in a different place it seemed, until once
again I found myself kneeling and promising God to strengthen my mind and body
and purifying my character to his satisfaction. I was then told that to complete this part of
my journey I would have to pass more tests and be vouched for again. I was told that my ancient Brethren who
desired further knowledge had traveled the same path and even though I couldn’t
see, by the words spoken by my friend who now called me Brother, I could see
clearly the path before me. First, those sacred columns towering before
me and then a stairway to an unknown place where I would find the answers I
sought. Slowly and carefully, we climbed
the winding steps and even in darkness I could feel their pattern under my feet
as their lessons and meanings were passed from instructive tongue to my
attentive ear. My Brother held me close
and guided me with confidence through the narrow passageways where we once
again had to prove ourselves worthy in order to pass. Everything was familiar to me, yet my
understanding was much more vivid. We
passed the last test, and we were standing alone in what seemed to be a large
room. I could hear the tiniest echo in
my Brothers voice as he prepared me to receive further light. My nervousness had returned as my Brother
described our surroundings and I soon realized that we were not alone after all. The Worshipful Master had been there all
along. I had heard his voice and others
during my travels, and none were Brothers that I knew but their voices seemed
vaguely familiar somehow. The Master
then gave me the answers to the questions I had asked, and in the darkness,
I smiled as his words gave me light. I
was then ordered to return whence I came, and preparation began for one more
journey.
Brother Chris, in my subconscious somewhere I knew
something big was coming but I couldn’t quite get a clear picture in my mind. Before I could figure it out, I was off again
on another trek. This was by far the
longest of the three. As we walked and climbed,
we passed places where sacred words were being spoken. Some I could hear close by and others farther
away, but we were never far from their comfort.
Again, as before, new obstacles prevented us from continuing without
certain assurances from my Conductor/Brother. Each time he was able to convince the keepers
of our sincerity and they allowed us, sometimes grudgingly, to continue our
journey. And again, we came to a place
where I solemnly took my third obligation to God, my Country, my Neighbor and
Myself, and after prayer for my well-being, with pride I stood to receive even
more of the light that I was promised.
I found out to my surprise that I had another and a more
dangerous road to travel and was told that I was to follow the footsteps of our
ancient patron Hiram and before I could react all hell broke loose, and my
conductor pulled me along as if trying to escape the commotion. People were yelling at us, and they wanted
something from me it seemed, but I did not have the answer. We fled from place to place trying to get away,
but in the end, there would be no escape. Suddenly my life passed before my eyes. I felt my spirit being carried away as I
silently asked the Great Architect of the Universe for strength and
forgiveness. A cold and empty feeling
came over me that all was lost, a feeling of being totally alone. I felt that my journey was over and that somehow,
I had failed. So many emotions were
going through my mind. I was confused
and honestly a little bit scared. I
strained to hear what was going on. Everyone
was looking for something and I realized it was me, but somehow, they couldn’t
find me. I wanted to call out to them,
but I couldn’t. I could hear my Brothers
praying for guidance and strength.
Then they were trying to reach me. My heart was pounding in my chest as I willed
them to succeed and all at once a strong grip pulled me free and gave me new
life. I was overcome with happiness and
relief as I held on tightly to my Brother as he gave me those last lessons that
would last an eternity. I heard the
Worshipful Master order my Brother/Conductor who took my arm again to lead me
to the East and upon arriving there my veil of darkness was lifted and below a
brightly lit letter “G” his Masters jewel around his neck stood Brother George
Washington who smiled and nodded his head at me.
I just stood there with my mouth open in shock as he
proceeded to welcome me and introduce the Brethren in the room. As my eyes followed his around the room my
disbelief was overwhelming. Brother Ben
Franklin nodded to me from the West and Brother Sam Houston waved and smiled
from the South. Brother Will Rogers was
sitting in the Junior Deacons chair and that familiar voice I kept hearing in
the ante room, now that I could see, belonged to Brother John Wayne our Master
of Ceremonies. Now I knew why he kept
calling me “Pilgrim.” As I circled the
room my eyes pausing on every Brother I recognized Jim Bowie, Anson Jones, and
Stephen Austin. On the opposite side of
the room Brothers Winston Churchill and Douglas McArthur sat together. I was really struggling with all the emotions
of everything that had happened but more importantly I wondered WHY all of this
happened. As I turned back to the East,
I glanced over to finally see who my Friend/Brother/Conductor had been, the one
who had brought me through all my journeys and made sure I arrived safely and
there smiling at me and offering me a warm Brotherly grip and hug was Brother
David Crockett.
I can tell you Brother Chris my knees were pretty weak
and shaking by this time, and then Brother George spoke to me. He said, “My Brother, I know that you have
been troubled lately with all the problems that Masonry seems to have. I want to tell you and reassure you that
Masonry has survived every kind of trial and calamity imaginable and still
lives today. The Craft and her members
have been persecuted, harassed, imprisoned, and even slaughtered over the many
centuries, and still she lives today. Her
principles and teachings are perfect and pure and will withstand any and all
tests. Masonry, my Brother, is like a
soft and gentle breeze. Not something
that you can see but always present and always residing in the hearts and minds
of good and true men, giving strength and direction according to the will of
the Supreme Architect of the Universe. Masonry,
like the immortal soul of man will never, never, never die. These Brothers have heard your concerns and
have come together at this time and this place to reassure you and
re-demonstrate to you the power and wonder of the teachings of our Gentle Craft,
that you may go forward and help reassure other Brethren that their labors are
not in vain and that Masonry is and always will be a force for what is good and
what is right. Do not despair My Brother
and know that countless Brothers before you have struggled as you and your
Brothers have, and because of those struggles Masonry is as strong as ever no
matter how few or how many the membership.” Before I could thank him and the
other Brothers he said, “go now and forever keep Masonry and your Brothers in
your heart. Go now and continue to live
by the teachings of our Great Fraternity until we shall meet again in the
Celestial Lodge above.” And as I watched, the whole scene faded out and the
next thing I remember is my wife shaking me awake.
She was asking, “Are you all right John?” It took
me a minute to get my head clear and I finally answered, “Yes, I am OK. Why?” “Well, you woke me up,” she said. “You were talking in your sleep. You were saying thank you, thank you, and
there were tears rolling down your cheeks. Are you sure you are, ok?” It took me a few
minutes to reassure her that I was Ok. She
still thinks I am losing my mind. Heck,
she may be right. It was the most
awesome thing that has ever happened to me, and I don’t think I will ever
forget it.
So, that’s it. Do
you think I am crazy?” “Crazy?” I almost yelled. “Heck John, I don’t think you are crazy, I
think you are the luckiest Brother I know. I got chills just listening to you.”
I looked up and the older couple we butted in front of
were leaving and they were headed straight for us. Here we go, I thought, we’re going to get an
earful from these guys. But to my total
surprise they walked up to John and the man stuck out his hand and shook John’s
and the lady gave him a hug. They both
said thanks to John and smiled at me as they walked away. I don’t know when I have been more
confused. Lynn walked up and asked John if he wanted anything else and
his reply was, “Young lady, that last bite totally ruined my appetite. I think we are ready for the bill and my
Brother here is going to take care of it.” She looked at me and smiled as I handed her my
credit card and all I could do was shrug. Off she went and when she returned the two
ladies who were mad at us had come over and they too gave John…. not me of course…… hugs and thanked him. He said he had to make a trip to the “facilities”
…. I always wondered why some people
call it the facilities…. and said he
would wait for me outside and off he went.
Lynn laid the charge slip down for me to add a tip and
sign and thanked me. I apologized to her
for all the trouble with John and when I looked down at the charge slip, I
nearly fainted. I knew it was going to
be a lot because he eats as much as four people. I started taking inventory and it seemed like
I was paying for somebody else’s lunch too, so I waved at Lynn, and she hurried
over. I told her there was a mistake on
my bill and she smiled sweetly and told me that John had told her to put the
bills from two other tables on our bill. That’s when it hit me. No wonder those other people were so nice to
him as they left. I paid for their
lunches. That’s how he “fixed” it. What could I do? I signed the durn thing and made a beeline for
the door…… and John. As I cleared the
door, he roared past me in Ol Blackie waving. Well, I was waving too, and it wasn’t exactly
a friendly wave, if you know what I mean.
I heard him yell out as he went by, “Thanks for lunch, Brother Chris. I’ll see you next month. I continued to wave at him until an older lady
walked by and gave me a dirty look. I
will get even with him. You know what
they say about paybacks.
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